Well there has been a lot going on with me this past week and I wanted to fill you all in. I want to be as open and honest as I can be as we walk down this road called mourning. As a disclaimer if our blog starts to depress you please stop reading it. Our intent is to glorify our Lord Jesus Christ in everything we do including mourning the loss of our girls. But if it's too much for you I completely understand.
Last Thursday it hit me all the sudden we hadn't picked out a head stone for the girls yet. I called the funeral home to get prices then I did a little looking online to get an idea of what I wanted. I found what I thought was the perfect headstone. It was upright and had one large heart with two doves. I thought that was really sweet because we had two babies with one heart (I know I was "reading" a lot into it.)
I decided I needed to go to the grave side and look it over and make sure it would be a perfect fit. I wasn't sure if I was going to make it in time because it was already getting dark so I was a little stressed driving over there. I did make it before it got dark then the hunt was on.
It was the first time I had gone back to the graveside since we had buried them and I had no clue where they were (Okay that's not true I had an idea of where they were, I just wasn't exactly sure.)
Once again our amazing photographer Margaret Lake saved the day. She came to the funeral to take pictures and she took a lot of pictures at the graveside. So I took the lap top to look through all the pictures until I found exactly where they were buried.
The place where they are buried is in area that all the children are buried, so all the graves are pretty close together. It just so happens that the child buried in front of them has an up right headstone. So here comes the problem if I got the up right one it would be blocked by the other headstone. Imagine if someone was standing about 3 feet in front of you, they would kinda be blocking you,... well, that's what it would be like.
So then I no longer wanted the upright one because you wouldn't really be ale to see it anyway. They make some that are slanted and I think we are going to go with one of those.
I'm sure this all sound so silly but it was such a big deal to me because this is really the only thing we are ever going to be able to buy our girls. Not that were into buying our kids crazy amounts of things but it's just hard knowing we never really need to buy them anything. I don't want to be crazy and spend a ton of money but I also don't want to regret not getting what I wanted.
It was a lot harder going to the grave side than I thought it was going to be. I wasn't sure if the grass would have grown over their grave, but it hasn't,... it was just really hard, compacted dirt which made me really sad. For some reason in my brain when I would picture going to their grave I always pictured myself running the dirt from their grave through my fingers. I know I think way too much. I was so sad that I wasn't going to be able to do that because I had waited too long.
So I started to break up the dirt with my fingers and I was able to run the dirt through my fingers just like I had always pictured doing. But then I didn't want to stop there I kept thinking about their little bodies being under there and it broke my heart. I just wanted to dig them up and take them home. I wanted everything to be fine. I didn't want to be sitting at my babies graveside I wanted to be snuggling with my babies on our couch.
As I was digging a little, not much, I found a huge rock I was so upset that there was a rock in there. Who knows why, I was just being crazy emotional. But then I realized that it wasn't a rock but a big chunk of clay. I tried to make a heart out of it but that didn't work out very well so I made two small balls instead.
It started to get darker and darker and I knew it was time to go but I didn't want to, I didn't want to leave my babies there alone in the ground. It was dark and they needed their Mommy. My heart was being ripped in two. I know that our babies were not there. They are in Heaven but I just wanted to share with yall my thoughts that night.
It was just as hard walking away from our babies that night as it was letting the nurse take them from us in the hospital.
I think that has been the hardest day I have had since the day they died. It is so strange because most of the time I am doing great. Then it just hits me and I'm a mess for a few days, then I'm fine. It's so crazy I really wish there was like a month after someone dies that you mourn then your fine but that's just not the case. It is an emotional roller coaster and I'm just so thankful that our hope is in Jesus. I don't know how people deal with loss without the Lord. God is strengthening us and sustaining us through this trial that He brought us to.
For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison. 2 Corinthians 4:17