Thursday, April 30, 2009

This road called mourning...

Well there has been a lot going on with me this past week and I wanted to fill you all in. I want to be as open and honest as I can be as we walk down this road called mourning. As a disclaimer if our blog starts to depress you please stop reading it. Our intent is to glorify our Lord Jesus Christ in everything we do including mourning the loss of our girls. But if it's too much for you I completely understand.

Last Thursday it hit me all the sudden we hadn't picked out a head stone for the girls yet. I called the funeral home to get prices then I did a little looking online to get an idea of what I wanted. I found what I thought was the perfect headstone. It was upright and had one large heart with two doves. I thought that was really sweet because we had two babies with one heart (I know I was "reading" a lot into it.)

I decided I needed to go to the grave side and look it over and make sure it would be a perfect fit. I wasn't sure if I was going to make it in time because it was already getting dark so I was a little stressed driving over there. I did make it before it got dark then the hunt was on.

It was the first time I had gone back to the graveside since we had buried them and I had no clue where they were (Okay that's not true I had an idea of where they were, I just wasn't exactly sure.)

Once again our amazing photographer Margaret Lake saved the day. She came to the funeral to take pictures and she took a lot of pictures at the graveside. So I took the lap top to look through all the pictures until I found exactly where they were buried.

The place where they are buried is in area that all the children are buried, so all the graves are pretty close together. It just so happens that the child buried in front of them has an up right headstone. So here comes the problem if I got the up right one it would be blocked by the other headstone. Imagine if someone was standing about 3 feet in front of you, they would kinda be blocking you,... well, that's what it would be like.

So then I no longer wanted the upright one because you wouldn't really be ale to see it anyway. They make some that are slanted and I think we are going to go with one of those.

I'm sure this all sound so silly but it was such a big deal to me because this is really the only thing we are ever going to be able to buy our girls. Not that were into buying our kids crazy amounts of things but it's just hard knowing we never really need to buy them anything. I don't want to be crazy and spend a ton of money but I also don't want to regret not getting what I wanted.

It was a lot harder going to the grave side than I thought it was going to be. I wasn't sure if the grass would have grown over their grave, but it hasn't,... it was just really hard, compacted dirt which made me really sad. For some reason in my brain when I would picture going to their grave I always pictured myself running the dirt from their grave through my fingers. I know I think way too much. I was so sad that I wasn't going to be able to do that because I had waited too long.

So I started to break up the dirt with my fingers and I was able to run the dirt through my fingers just like I had always pictured doing. But then I didn't want to stop there I kept thinking about their little bodies being under there and it broke my heart. I just wanted to dig them up and take them home. I wanted everything to be fine. I didn't want to be sitting at my babies graveside I wanted to be snuggling with my babies on our couch.

As I was digging a little, not much, I found a huge rock I was so upset that there was a rock in there. Who knows why, I was just being crazy emotional. But then I realized that it wasn't a rock but a big chunk of clay. I tried to make a heart out of it but that didn't work out very well so I made two small balls instead.

It started to get darker and darker and I knew it was time to go but I didn't want to, I didn't want to leave my babies there alone in the ground. It was dark and they needed their Mommy. My heart was being ripped in two. I know that our babies were not there. They are in Heaven but I just wanted to share with yall my thoughts that night.

It was just as hard walking away from our babies that night as it was letting the nurse take them from us in the hospital.

I think that has been the hardest day I have had since the day they died. It is so strange because most of the time I am doing great. Then it just hits me and I'm a mess for a few days, then I'm fine. It's so crazy I really wish there was like a month after someone dies that you mourn then your fine but that's just not the case. It is an emotional roller coaster and I'm just so thankful that our hope is in Jesus. I don't know how people deal with loss without the Lord. God is strengthening us and sustaining us through this trial that He brought us to.

For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison. 2 Corinthians 4:17



noahandlylasmommi said...

Oh Vanessa! Wish I was there to give you a big hug! Nothing you said sounds silly or ridiculous. Everyone grieves in their own way. And of course the headstone is a huge deal. Anything you get to do for your girls will be a big deal. I wish I could say something to make you feel better. The only thing I can say is that your girls are made whole by Him and there is so much hope knowing that you will spend eternal life with them. Praying for you! Love ya!

Margaret said...

You know, as I sit here with Jackson on my lap reading your story I feel like I want to offer him to hold. Nothing can make you feel better about losing your babies but I just feel that he is like a little piece of heaven & holding him is like therapy or something.

Seeing my photos & how you used them to find the girls really touched my heart - it validates my life's work knowing it really means something.

God Bless you in this time of healing! I love you!

Jason and Vanessa said...

Zsera thank you so much! Your words are very kind and do help a lot!

Margaret You are so sweet and I would love to hold Jackson :) It does help a lot being around babies and celebrating the life that God has given their families. We love you guys and are so thankful that the Lord has given you Jackson!

Steph and Mitch T said...

Thank you so much for sharing from your heart. I love your blog (even though I'm a complete stranger) and I grieve with you! What an inspiration you have been to me!!

The Barreness said...

first off, thank you for your comment on my blog from this week. I appreciate it very much. It was such a hard situation, but I felt like I did the right thing, this time. Hopefully there isn't a next time!

Also, nothing you said sounds silly. You are mourning. I are so blessed that you have a place that you can go and think about them. That beautiful gravestone you are working on picking out for your daughters will be good for your mourning. I am looking forward to seeing what you pick out. (that sounds kindof morbid, but really it's just because I've felt like I've mourned along with you.) I have had many miscarriages and have never been far enough along to have a place where I can go when I have days I want to mourn, so I reserve memorial day for that. Baron and I get balloons and release one for every baby we've lost. It's a very healing process, going to pick up the balloons, and finding a place to release them each year. It's usually some place where we would have liked our children to know, my parents house, the neighborhood park, etc. Anyway, don't want to hijack your post, just thought I'd share that my experiences with you so that you don't feel silly.
I am saying prayers for you during this difficult time.

Jason and Vanessa said...

Steph and Mitch T Thank you so much fr your comment! I'm thankful to have people grieving with us. We feel very loved!

The Barreness Please hijack my post any time :) I'm so sorry your babies died but I'm so thankful that you do something special for them every year. It's not morbid at all that you want to see what the headstone looks like. Yall have walked this journey with us and that is part of it.

Thank you all for your kind words. it really does help.

Just'N Angel said...

What a hard day that must have been. My husband's first wife and son died 8 months apart 5 years ago. He still goes to the cemetery often to talk to them and to feel close. I totally understand how important that is for him and encourage him to continue to do that. Days go by and things move on, but the time to remember and wish things were different and to hurt really never go away. They just become more bearable. Thank you for sharing your day with us. I am praying for you.

Jason and Vanessa said...

Just'N Angel
Thank you so much for what you said you are right that will always be a part of my life just more bearable with time. I love that!

Janine (txmomx6) said...

No ..... it doesn't sound "silly" at all, but real and honest and raw ...... and to be expected.
I cannot imagine how difficult it was to be there .... but you did it.
And that, my friend, is something.
Sending lots of prayers and hugs,

EH said...

You have gone through so much in a short time. This is a wonderful place for you to share.... your story will have impact on others. And, you should get what you want for your babies.

Stephanie Morales said...

Knowing how much pain you guys are still going through - and will continue to go through - brings tears to my eyes. I know you are very strong and you and J. have a very strong family, but we all have weaknesses too. This road of mourning will be a very long one, one that probably has no end. Remember there are many of us walking right behind you. It's okay to stumble down it.

Love you all!

Erica said...

Grief is such a crazy rollercoaster. You think one day you are feeling better, than all of a sudden, it hits you harder than you are ever imagine. I am so sorry this was so hard for you, but I am so happy you did it. God is good, and he was right beside you, crying with you. I wish that grief was easier, and that it wouldn't hurt so badly. Thank you for sharing your feelings with me.

Hugs to you.

Fish with Trish said...

Love you guys. And thanks for pouring out your heart to us!

McGregor/Dean Family said...

Reading this took me back 14 years. I felt again what I felt so long ago when I sat on the soil of my husband's grave. Grief is a crazy emotion that is unpredictable and painful and can overwhelm at times. Grief is a wound that time does not heal, but God is faithful through that time. He is faithful today, and He will be faithful tomorrow. I have the joy of being able to look further back on my sorrow that you. I can assure you that God will continue to make known His purpose. Even though we cannot know fully while on this earth, He is merciful and kind to give us glimpses along the way that encourage and even excite us about His amazing love and kindness towards us. My heart aches for you both today. Oddly enough, I now find the pain of grief comforting because it reminds me that I have not forgotten and will never forget the man I loved for 13 years. God bless you both, and anticipate the day when you will be reunited with your precious little ones.